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anya|18|ba behavioral sciences|UP-Manila

The thoughts that run in this head aren't always easy to comprehend.

“In search of something immortal in mortality."

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Wednesday, December 5, 2012
     It used to be that I could form paragraph upon paragraph of words with so much meaning and emotion. I don't suppose it was a talent, by which case I would still have it now if it were. I guess I was just much more emotional when I was a few years younger, more dramatic in my perspective. I was much less inhibited in the way I poured out my emotions and my ideas. Somehow now though, I can admit, I was trying to catch attention.

    Somewhere in my convoluted, immature mind, I was insecure. I looked around me and saw how everyone else seemed to be better off, while I felt like I was on the edge of the shadows. I wanted to gather some form of attention or recognition, in some way I don't even know now. Of course, I look back now and realize how stupid I was and how I would have probably slapped my "then" self with some sense and shout at her to grow some freakin' backbone, for God's sake. But in my young and insecure self, unrestrained thoughts flowed much more freely and expressed themselves in ways I can no longer emulate today. That part I truly miss.

     I hate to admit it, but sometimes I miss those younger days. Sometimes I miss being so ignorant. Sometimes. I am thankful and blessed with where I am now and with what I have found and discovered that I have in my life. It's just that sometimes, I miss having that unrestrained outlet of emotions. I can't explain how it was in a concrete view, but to put it in a way, it seems a switch is now turned off in my head.

     I don't know how many times I've mentioned this "dilemma" of mine on this blog already, but there are times it just makes me wonder what happened in my head. At times I wonder, is this what it's like to "grow up"? Do we really slowly lose a grasp of our sense of wonder? Does growing up have to feel like this, like we lost something along the way? 'Cause that's how it feels sometimes.

     Now I can't help but wonder what else I might lose long the way.

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Blogger Blessie Manlapid said on December 10, 2012 at 4:22 PM  

I feel you Dane. Truly. :) I can relate so much.

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