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anya|18|ba behavioral sciences|UP-Manila

The thoughts that run in this head aren't always easy to comprehend.

“In search of something immortal in mortality."

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Friday, December 14, 2012
     Most of the time, people never really understand your motive for doing things. They never really stop to think of the reasons why you're doing what you're doing. In fact, they never really care that much, do they?

     In the things I do to try and help, all I've ever wanted was consideration. So often it feels like you're the only one who cares, plus a few others, but that can be discouraging at times. In my few years of existence I've made so many mistakes of being careless and of being, possibly, too selfish and ignorant. I've also made the mistake of caring too much. Realizing these instances in my life, I tried to change things. I'm proud to say I can see that I've improved myself, though mistakes are still made. I still slip up, numerous times even. I still care too much. I still become careless. But I take note, I remind myself.

     Why am I making a post about these things? Well, I don't really know. My Christmas break has just started and I am absolutely happy that I can take a break from all the school-related stress. But a few things still bother me. I know I shouldn't be worried as much or feeling as responsible, but I can't help it that I feel this way. Perhaps I just got so used to taking responsibility, at home,  at my high school before. I'm used to being the ate. I know this part of my life is a completely different ball game, but I genuinely care for people who make me happy, who care for me as I care for them. Sometimes even if they don't care as much back, I still care for them. Nakakabuwiset, nakakatanga, nakakadagdag lang sa problema, pero ganun talaga.

     Perhaps this is too much of a martyr's philosophy. But from what I see, people care much more about the trivial things, with what they want to say, buy and do, that they forget to consider the others around them. I know we can't ask everybody to change this about themselves, but I'm afraid people have forgotten to think and feel for anybody other than themselves. I'm not saying that I've perfected that aspect of myself. I know I have my selfish tendencies, sometimes I forget and actually want to forget to care about others. I hate feeling so responsible, but this is how I am, this is how I act, think, feel and function. Perhaps people will tell me to fuck off for being this way, that it's my problem not theirs. Yeah, I might say I can agree. I do care too much at times, that's always been the disease of my personality. It's been more often than not the root of my problems. I might be going overboard on my observation, I know that my position is not something so unique, but fuck off, I need this outlet.

     And now I've only just wondered, does growing up really mean feeling even more responsible for things, and for your actions and decisions? Is this what's happening? 'Cause it isn't as wonderful as people wish growing up to be at times.

     Or is it just me again?

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