once, i was young and reckless

Saturday, June 9, 2012

It's funny how I've never felt freer than I do now. But then I remember what I was like in the past, and I realize I was somehow free too, back then. I just didn't know it. It doesn't make sense, but somehow in my head, it does.

Let me elaborate. I think I need to explain it to myself more than to the person reading this though.
I look back and remember all the things I heard and all the things I felt. Sometimes it was all just heavy and sad and worried and paranoid, but somehow, that was the right path to take. I wrote the best things back then, stories and poems. Although I never shared all of them, they were the best things to ever come out of my brain. That was part of my freedom then, and I never really understood it. And through all that, I found myself and everything just came into place and shaped me to be who I am today...
If my thirteen to fourteen year old self knew what I'd be today, she'd probably smile everyday and not worry about what may come anymore. But you know what? I'm glad she didn't know what I know now. She might not have learned a single thing, or even tried to. She'd just sit back and wait for everything to fall into place instead of worrying where she'd be heading to, or what path she was and would be on. I'm glad she was free of this knowledge and free to make mistakes and do stupid, stupid things because right now, I believe all that stupid shit was worth it. I'm glad she was scared and emotional, and a pessimist disguising as a half-assed optimist. She always did pretend she was fine and caused herself some unwanted pain and "depression". But somewhere down the road, she just learned, and still wants to learn.

If she were still the same, guarded, paranoid, and far too introverted person she was today, she wouldn't even think of spontaneously posting this. Silly girl.She didn't realize she was free to make mistakes and tried so hard to avoid them without knowing that was already one mistake she made. Since she tried to avoid it, she made far more mistakes then she thought she could. Did that make sense? I hope it did.

Well, I hope you put up with this post. If you did, thank you. I just felt like airing my old, dirty laundry somewhere tonight. Part nostalgic, part sleep deprivation, part closure on a chapter I never realized was still somehow open. I'm just glad I now know that I was once young, reckless (a certain kind of reckless, mind you) and free.

P.S. This is also just me practicing my freedom of expression + writing on and on without looking back and editing anything I've just laid down (one of my bad writing habits). Thank you.


P.P.S. This post is mostly for myself. I feel it's kind of necessary in some way.

Labels: adolescent years, changes, growing up, I JUST NEED THIS DOCUMENTED SOMEWHERE THANK YOU, learning, life, midnight thoughts, ramblings, reckless, stupid, young

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