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anya|18|ba behavioral sciences|UP-Manila

The thoughts that run in this head aren't always easy to comprehend.

“In search of something immortal in mortality."

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a different kind of heartbreak
Monday, January 16, 2012
Last Friday night I told myself that I'd spend the weekend catching up on sleep and just rest since I was extremely unwell and out of sorts last week. Come Saturday morning, my mom woke me up abruptly, telling me that the ACET results were out and that I go check it for myself. So, groggily, I went up to my laptop and entered my name in the required field. I was so groggy, it barely occurred to me that I was about to see my results in my dream school, Ateneo.

It didn't occur to me immediately that I might be heartbroken if the results weren't positive. I didn't stop to think about what I would do if my dreams were crushed. I just mindlessly entered my name and clicked 'submit'.

It took a while for the page to load, and I was still drifting in and out of my sleepy state. I kept refreshing the page for a while until finally, the page loaded and revealed my result...

The message displayed stated that my name did not come up on the list. It stated that if it was so, then it meant I was neither accepted nor wait-listed. At first I almost refused to accept, though I knew a part of me already did. I thought that, since the page had not been loading properly at once, maybe it had entered blank or something. So I tried again, but of course, it was all in vain. The truth was in front of me; I did not pass.

I was unsure of what I felt. Indifferent or in shock? Numb or in denial? Or maybe I was just too sleepy to react properly. Ateneo is my dream school after all, and to be rejected is not so easily accepted. 

My mom was beside me, and she was rather quiet too. This was her dream for me as well. If anyone else knew how much I wanted to get in, it was her. She was more crushed at that moment than I was. I was still... well, I don't really know, actually.

I thought that maybe I was acting this way because I didn't want it like I used to. But as I thought longer about it and let it sink in, I realized that that wasn't the case. It still hurt, even though I didn't shed the tears to prove it. I guess my coping mechanism is rather different. Or maybe the waterworks will arrive rather late than expected.

I slowly broke the news as people asked my result. Friends comforted me, a few expressed shock. A few people believed I would pass, and I believed that too. I had enjoyed taking the exam and I had found it easy for the most part. I was partly confident that I could possibly pass. But then I found out that it was all a load of bull.
I didn't cry. Actually, I haven't cried at all. But, I do feel the pain now, the heartache of being rejected. My Atenean dream has been crushed. Yes, the result is survivable and does not define who I am or who I will be. Yet it will not cease to hurt for a while, I'm quite sure. How can it cease so quickly when it was your dream that was crushed? 

Ha, it seems rather dramatic, doesn't it? You can't blame me though. Try having your dreams crushed in one short and non-sympathetic message telling you you've been rejected.

Right now, I'm being positive. I'm not talking about it or even mentioning it (at least, until now, that is). I don't want to become too bitter about it, as I'm sure this will pass.

All I'm waiting for now? The UPCAT results. When that comes out... well, we'll see.

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1 Comments:

Blogger Sofia Gatchalian said on January 16, 2012 at 6:28 PM  

I feel your pain! Let's just hope for the best. Did you take the DLSUCET?


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