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anya|18|ba behavioral sciences|UP-Manila

The thoughts that run in this head aren't always easy to comprehend.

“In search of something immortal in mortality."

All images posted on this blog are mine, unless otherwise stated.

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we get by just 'fine'
Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Most days, it's like this for me. Staring at a blank page, waiting for inspiration, waiting for something--anything--to happen. I feel like I've got everything I might need, but what can those things do to help when you don't want them?

What I want right now is a new sense of freedom. A new sense of peace and solitude, because I've never had that. When you can't find your piece of mind, life finds it easier to bring you down in moments of weakness. For a while, I thought I was finally content. Accepting all my flaws, all the conflicting personalities of my friends and loved ones around me, and getting through the daily stress of life. I thought I had finally gotten it down pat. 

Guess I was wrong.

These past few days have been a bit rougher than usual. I feel out of place with some of my friends, I'm losing focus on my responsibilities and I've lost my sense of wonder. The worst part is, nobody notices. Most of my friends aren't as perceptive as I am, and in some way, I've been too good at hiding my emotions. Once or twice I've tried to hint at the confusion I've been feeling, yet still, nobody even noticed

Which leads me to wonder; how do they see me? How do they perceive my life to be? Do they think I'm happy? Do they realize I might not be? Have they ever stopped to wonder if I was always really okay? Most of the time, I'm not anymore, and it's painful when they can't even see that.

One of the reasons I started this blog in secrecy was because I want to pour out my emotions on a free platform, where I know no immediate judgments would be made about my thoughts. I'm speaking to an invisible audience, maybe even to a non-existent one.

On a final note, I've never been depressed, but I've always been disappointed. I'm scared that even in the happiest of moments, disappointment will just be lurking around the corner again...


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